For some, 13 has a dark side. It’s said to be unlucky and some buildings and hotels even remove 13 from their floors and elevators (the Pfister Hotel and the US Bank Building here in Milwaukee are two examples). I asked my friend, Kim Hall, who knows numerology to tell me something good about 13 and if four (13 reduced) was better. Her response, “…it’s a baker’s dozen, it’s the back of a turtle shell & talks of letting go of the old to allow for new ideas & situations. Four is practical, disciplined, & organized”.

For me in 2021, 13 represents the 13th anniversary of Russ’s death. The last two years have been trying in all aspects of my life. I’m lucky to have an expansive wellness team that I can count on to keep me going mentally, emotionally, and physically. I listed mentally first because mental health is just as important as physical health, if not more especially if you’ve experienced trauma.

This morning as I showered, the song “My Wish” by Rascall Flatts made its way into my head. The lyrics,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

became prominent. I didn’t hear them again until after work as I walked in the quiet to my car. When I reached Mt. Olivet Cemetery, I had the urge to play the song and with no one else in the mausoleum, I brought it up on YouTube. I know Russ had a part in choosing the song for me to hear today. He also made me notice that his full name, Russell, has the word sell in it. I wondered if that meant to sell more of my book, “That’s All I Got! Thrival: A Widow’s Journey After Suicide” or that I have more of my story to sell? My now-retired physician told me to write my second book after I informed her that I wanted to write another.

One thing I did that always made Russ smile involved twitching my nose like a bunny. It’s no surprise that after he passed away, I continually see bunnies in the yard. They, as in five bunnies, made an appearance at the Garage Blessing and we knew it was Russ watching over his family and friends in attendance. Tonight, two bunnies munched on the grass in my backyard as I returned a pruner to the garage and later on when I returned from an errand.

I’m hopeful in this 13th year. Looking forward to 2022, I can see parts of my life getting brighter. I’ve learned a lot in the past two years. While job loss, a pandemic, adjusting to a new job and changes therein, and medical issues have been a struggle at times, I’ve added to my toolbox additional doctors and a lot of useful health information. Zoom has been a lifesaver for my mental health as well as staying in contact with my fellow authors. Now, I’m ready to apply everything I’ve learned more to my life.

Thank You Rusty for today, for the song, for showing me “sell” hidden in your name, for the bunnies in the yard, for showing me that light follows darkness. My story isn’t over, it continues just like the ; .

Now to find a turtle to count the quadrants on its back.